Cheerful Zombies?

Four formal interactions later, when there was a subtle picture in-front of us as to how we would be down the lane in our career, one glaring and common advice I got from 8-9 officers, men and women was that 'You need to try and be cheerful!'

Between the Physical training that is extremely draining for a person who never in her life stepped into a gym and the puzzling law complexities,map readings and unarmed combats, there comes a point where there is a lot of excitement of what next while at the same time having the pain of enduring it.

While the system tries to hold on to many things that might not even make sense to a new comer like me, it also makes me cherish these moments all at the same time and sometimes even appreciate something very meaningless for an outsider, which I was,till a few months back.

For a highly nocturnal person waking up at 5 am could be the worst, doing that everyday and having to do things that are inevitably out of your hands makes you feel like a zombie, most of the days. A zombie that walks to the rhythms of Ek - Do- Ek.

Between the formal first impressions,the nasty second impressions and the acquaintances that might never turn into friendships, a glaring indeterminate future awaits us, and all the advise in the world one could get, is 'Stay Cheerful'.

How ,you ask??
I was searching for the answer for quite a while now.
It is difficult to put your finger on the answer when you search for an opportunity to learn in isolation too.Well, may be that is the challenge. None who advised me said 'Happy' everyone was careful enough to say 'Cheerful'. Ahh that blurry line between the two.. Well third time lost the charm and I ask why that particular word, to get the answer that cheer helps you get better at the job too, with 'Happy' you can't be so sure.

Then is when it struck me.. When you realize you don't have much of a choice, when you realize that you ll be pushed to expand your comfort zone to know your potential at any cost and when you realize that the element of surprise is only getting to be monotonous.. You go beyond surprise, frustration, anger, sadness.. All you have left is to grin and try to stay cheerful.. Because deep down, deep deep down, you know it is only making you better in many ways and is helping you guard what is precious in a more possessive way.

Speaking of  how to paste that grin on my face..  Those two friends I made, when they search for me just to say hi.. That does the trick!! Through all the uncertainties, aren't we all just looking for a gaze that means that someone's watching over??

Some day, the cheer will kick the zombie out, I am sure of that.. I can feel that happening already.

After all, Change is good!

Pseudo-Choices

Regionalism connotations.. Political attachments.. Really??

The way I see it, they are a complete betrayal to the unbiased evolution of Indian nationalism and hold an invitation to conjectural understanding of a glorious history.

Are we heading for a political equivalent of being stuck between a rock and a hard place??

Some one in this magnificent democracy say 'No!!'

Well, when temples are raised and tombs are built to react to mere partisan politics or a political responsibility, whichever way you want to see it.. I think it is true. We ARE stuck..

Hmmph.. Whatever happened to intellectual integrity?

PS: Please don't tell me that a basis of anti-corruption campaign stands the chance of being a panacea, let alone a mere rhetoric.

The Two One-Liners

The two lines I want, etched into eternity,what better place than here... 

Honesty is an expensive gift, Don't expect it from cheap people.



Once you start changing for the better, everything seems to magically fall into place!


Just to make sure I wouldn't forget,ever!

So Close, Yet So Far!

Only 2 days before the journey I was looking forward to recently, I came across this really disturbing article, which got quite popular on the social networking sites, claiming that the death of the rape victim was hushed up for a few days with money. My friends were also a little sceptical about that. However, I chose not to believe some random article to blame the system to be so corrupt, we've seen the protest was profound.I just made peace with people having different lookout on different things and moved on to other articles. May be, I was not ready to accept the fact that those in such responsible positions, by saying responsible, I don't mean the officials alone,will be using such a sensitive issue to take a chance to make money.Naive! That is the only word I can think of for describing myself!

Days after she lost her life,Just when my friend was telling me today the rape, in a two or three days there will be some other thing, we ll turn the pages of the newspaper and forget it, I had to take a cab, the very next day, not so early in the morning, but quite early at 8 a.m and I was glad even though the police stopped the car just 2 minutes after we started and I was getting late, but I was glad because they stopped the cab because the glasses were tinted light grey, translucent vision for the outsiders, not the completely opaque tint, I felt good, as the repercussions of the rape case brought in some really strong measures, and unlike the traffic rules, which are more often than not violated are being strictly mandated and taken care of. I felt proud, to have known that all is not lost. A moment of happiness and reassurance for not taking into the articles. Well that didn't long last!

After about 10 minutes out of the cab, the driver came back in and started driving towards the destination. I was curious to know how he got off from the police. He casually answered 'I gave him Rs 200!' . I can't say I was shocked,but I felt really sad. Just when I thought, we are getting close as nation, a step,though tine, closer to making women feel safe, this incident took me light years away,pushing hope into abyss! Oh! So close, yet so far! Reiterating, yet again, that laws can not be all.. I shut my brain up! Not one is to be blamed. We are all the same, and that is a shame!

Just when I thought the taint of this city, I love like crazy, of being a rape capital can be washed out, with organisational determination, the malady of corruption comes from behind with a dagger,betraying while making space to restate inefficiency in every form possible. Are we really hoping for too much? Can the dreams of the head being held nigh ever come true? Well even if there is a remote chance of that happening, the fare seems to be too high to pay.

Money!! Money!! Whether we sail or drown, whether the terminus will be sought in good shape. Yeah, true but tragic, money, it seems is the one thing that deceives us from dreams and makes vulnerable enough to succumb to the desires! 

Why was I so upset, when I already knew what was going to happen? It was nothing new. Well, I could answer that only with one word 'Hope'. Hopefully, atleast that ll never die. I guess I am too curious to know the power of unity to say 'No'. The collective urge to realise that 'Being Human' just means, a little trust and faith, a little give and take, a little philanthropy and selfishness, a little rage and equanimity,a little sorrow and a tad of happiness, all put together. May be that is the miracle we are all working together for.

Yesterday it was a brutal rape, today a sewn time bomb inside a jawan's belly.What all we get to see!! And we talk of being human! The only things being constant are corruption and deception, and they always give ample space to the acute veneration for tomorrow. Is any step we take really taking us forward?

Sigh!

Doubts

Doubts, yeah doubts. I have too many of them.

Is today's 'Education' really the panacea we are looking for? Or is there more?

Many things we need can wait, but the child can’t. To him, we can’t say ‘tomorrow’. Because his name is ‘today’. 

Lately, I realized, contemplating comes involuntarily most of the times. A wide smile that lights up a room doesn't always mean complete, absolute happiness. Change can be as minuscule as maximal it can be. But whatever it is, it is good. Because, yeah... I came to make peace with the notion that utopia is utter boredom,there always has to be some place for change. May be it is but an exaggeration, but I am here to throw light on what I came across recently, and I just got caught up there. May be I should get it out of my system to move on,so I write.

As always, I boil down every human problem to the only panacea I realized since childhood, and that was, is and I guess which always will be ‘Education’. I thought education can change everything, as much as I realize I was right I also realized I couldn't have been more wrong. I miss those days where we can run along the corridor, catch up with a teacher who is taller than you, just to ask a doubt.. So that she can bend down to listen and clarify what is bugging a tiny brain. I miss those days where you raise your hand to get the teacher’s attention just to ask a question so loud to be audible enough to get the doubt clarified. Yeah, back then, I had math doubts.. May be languages and sciences.. But now, I cannot even place some doubts into any genre and my mind doesn't stop blabbering. Well, 20 days at home a bunch of movies and awesome food, may be everyone gets many doubts.

• Change doesn't come to us running if we sit idle. It has got some ego, we need to go there and persuade it to come along and join us, and so is success. While we criticize ego, we try to hold on to it, as that is what gives us the identity we crave for,right?

• Whatever the change the visionaries have anticipated, and strove for, I speak now, actually, we speak now, with the benefit of hind sight that it is inadequate, but we take time to realize that it was relevant and that was what has helped us pave the way to reach this day. Why is it that change has never been overhauling? Why is it always in small doses? Is it like a medicine that the societal system can only take as much as it can agree?

• Just because you know it is panacea, it doesn't mean that it will be the right thing to follow blindly. Doing the right thing is not what matters. Doing the right thing right is what beckons change right into the lap. Every idea that is in shape has to be efficient.It is the idea that is the world around us. So we say, Action has to always accompany idea, so there is no such thing as a handicap right?

• Aspirations can never fall short. But they have to spend more time with action. What appears as the toughest time, as Aun San Suu Kyi said the other day is the time when you think success is round the corner, but sometimes, turning round seems like eternity. There are no short-cuts to truth are they?  Why is it that there is no end to where inspiration can take us?

• Does beauty really lie in the eyes that behold? Don’t you think, all our eyes are tied with the handcuffs of stereotyped socialization? Let me tell this small thing.. fair is beauty, dark is ugly or tall is appealing short is not. At least that is what is endorsed in the million dollar ads that are all around us. If it is so, then where does the eye have space,to make a choice of stamping something as beauty, without going into various apprehensions?

• Initially the bell had no religious symbolism. It was used to grab the attention of the masses. Mind is where things are born. Mind is wonderfully weird while being cautiously vibrant. How is it possible that it is always capable of rhetorically giving life to antonyms, while placing side by side, making conflict inevitable?
• Why is fear so timid? It ultimately takes the form of the brave,it succumbs, with no choice,none at all.

Yeah, I got all these ramblings shouting at me from inside my brain after I watched a bunch of movies. Hmm.. Of what, like, say 5 languages. I know, mind is one thing that never shuts up I guess. Well, here is the realization part, these days I answer everything with this: The Sword and Shield analogy.

Let me take 'Education', as I mentioned earlier. I am not here to endorse or criticize any government program. Because I always think that change that is eternal always comes from within and not from the external push. Education, as a shield, can only protect you from what you don’t want to be. It is rout.It can’t change anything, like we know.. It is memorizing and blurting out. A shield is incapable of inducing change. However, Education like a sword,creative, agile and intelligently adaptable, will protect you, while you shape your surroundings according to what you aspire. A sword, it is creative, dynamic and at the same time protectively hindering. It is not a dagger that kills. A sword moulds what is at your disposal to whatever is the best thing that could be at use right then, right there.

I could not help myself from applying that to 'Talking'. Talking, when used as a shield, is just a protection. It will not give you the dauntless valour to defend against the wrong. Most of the time, it makes you end up ignoring or overlooking it, just to appease to the surroundings. But, talking, as a sword it is one thing that empowers you, that is when you actually talk of the ideas, the vibrancy of the human mind is articulated. Furthermore, I could immerse myself in reasoning this analogy for Listening, smiling, relations and everything, and just when I was thinking, everything has two extreme ends of application,I realized,there is always a third option. Not the both, or may be the both. The sword and the shield. After all, the best wars were won where they all had utilized the both. Well, it is time to for us to get out of the stereo type education systems, and socialization. Well beyond the sword and the shield,there is always more to explore, that is where our vision should lead the light to. That is where we can say, aim of life, not of the dreams. Dreams always have the chance of ‘if’, if we really are here to aspire, I don’t think we can leave that little space. I hope, I made some sense, as this is going a little over my head right now. Or may be I have more doubts. 

Yeah true, now I realize it is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.

I think it is time to say Night night now. Adios!

PS:: A really long hiatus beckons.Living sans technology is finally appealing to be fun. <Hibernation mode>

Black and White. And also the Greys..

Just because we look, Doesn't mean we like it..
Just because we like, Doesn't mean we love it..
Just because we love it, Doesn't mean we'll love the whole..
Just because we love the whole, Doesn't mean we'll love it for all times to come..
Because, change is the only thing that is constant, 
The only thing that keeps us going.. 
The way we embrace it is the way we see, 
The perspective, the future.. 
The look might make us love the whites, 
Get awed by the blacks of the picture.. 
But, the thing is we always comfortably ignore the greys 
Only to find that the whole life lies there..

Brought up by the old, 
Growing up with the young, 
That is the rule of the nature..
We have all seen the black and the white, 
The thing is how we imagine the grey.. 
How we start treasuring it..

The bad doesn't get better without a change..
The bad doesn't get to being the best without the greys.. 
We have to pass them all.. see them all.. know them all..
And all we know, is we are comfortable ignoring them..
Though we know,the only way to change.. Is not overnight..

For all those who say, tomorrow is going to be the same..
Millions of people pity you..
Because they know that tomorrow is better..

For all those who ask, what the change was..
Take a hard look at what you do everyday, every minute..
Because,there are a million voices saying that they have seen the change..

For all those who say, no one has done anything to improve,
A billion voices, respectfully disagree..
Only to ask 'Are you the no one?'

For all those who ask, what did the land give me,for me to give back..
Millions of eyes show you that..
A mother gives you birth..
What else would you want as a reason to love her..
And make her live the way she wants?
You are what you are, because she made you that!


There is something unique in this soil, which despite many obstacles has always remained the abode of great souls.

And they are all taking the 66th step.. Only towards a brighter, happier, optimistic and sought after India..  

Where there are accessible, affordable and accountable medical facilities, literacy and education, awareness and employment, and oppurtunities for all.. Free and harmonic social relations with regulated freedom. Now that we are here, it is time to prove that every change has to be towards the better, and that we are the agents of it to happen..

But before we say something pessimistic,Let us remember that..

Shades of grey wherever we go..
The more we find out, the less that we know..
Black and white is what we wish to see..
But shades of grey are the colours we see,
May be it is just an assurance,
The blacks blend to greys.. Only to meet the whites..
Making "Life".. PICTURE PERFECT!
And every second we move towards it.. Strive for it..

-To, my mother India..!!
Nope... May be, I'd want to say,Our mother India! :)

5 years of time! To be or Not to be..

4th September 2010,

2:00am : Watched that one movie. Lost gale in the sequences I always loved, once upon a time!
2:15am: Switched off the laptop.. Checked my cell phone. No missed
calls.. No messages. Hmmph! That, I knew!
2:16am : "Hey, Pls let me know of the tym and place, about the
workshop thing tomoro! :) Gudnyt.."
Send message to: Mr.A..

2:17am: A water bottle.. Dark room.. Earphones on.. Some random song..
2:19am: Fireflies! :)
2:20am: Fireflies.. And my favourite song on the shuffled list! " Ahh..Feels Great!!" :)
2:22am: One more arrest to the deterrent late nights in the mobile light.. Shimmering!
2:25am: Tuckered at the assured Midnight blues... And.. ZzzzZZzzzzz!! O-)
7:00am: Sleepy eyes, Half open.. Checked the inbox to find a Text..
"Kalasiguda Boys Highschool,Secunderabad Patny Centre.. Be there by
1:30pm! :) Gudmorning.."
7:10am: Back to sleep.. :)
:D :D :D For the next few hours.. Some completely random stuff I wouldn't dicker for an extravagent sizzling hot chocolate brownie! :D:D :D
1:34 pm: Waiting at the spot, cognizant of the text I got earlier that
day! Though just four minutes late, I was tensed of being missed out
upon this! I did not want to miss..
1:58pm: After a few random calls, They come and pick me up and take me to the school.. Hence making me realize, yet again, I am bad.. No.. not just bad, I am BADDD at finding places..!
What happened there in lieu of a sober weekend afternoon is what is making me write this post!

As we entered the school.. The principal came out..
"Great to have you guys here! It is a really good thing that you are
conducting a career guidance workshop to the 9th and tenth classes ,It
is going to be really helpful for them. Please try and do it every
year, so that all the batches are benefitted."
It was one single building, close to ruins, I have seen worse.. But the terrace did not have a pent wall.. Dangerous! The children were all over the place.. None clad with uniforms.. Too much noise...
As this was what was happening infront of me... Something occurred to me, Something long forgotten.. Something that was enshrouded by many other playful memories I held on to..




"That was a sunny February afternoon, 5 years ago.. I was 
sitting the 9th class (D section room),When my class teacher 
walked in, many flyers and a few pamphlets crouched in her 
hands.. As she came in..
distributed those, everyone in the class was excited while 
they read.. I still remember the first question it put to us.. 


'What is your goal?/ What is the career option you would opt 
for?'"
As these memories rushed.. Someone, from behind.. 'Hey, 
which one do you think?'
I said "Yeah yeah, U were asking me to chose right? This 
poster is good, We ll use this one today!"
The principal was back, He went in to subdue the children, 
with all the possible concern one can have.. "Please speak to 
them as if you are one among them, they would not 
understand or reach out to you if you
spoke eccentric."

Consenting to what he said, 
We entered the hallway.. 
Where all the 8th,9th and 
10th class students were eager to know what is with 
us, till we distributed some 
sheets, Where the first question said "What is your goal?" 
The group of 8th class kids I was allocated to give a career 
guidance workshop on.. Out of the 11 in that group.. 7 
wanted to be Doctors and their answer to Why? Was not 'I 
don’t know' They all answered  that they wanted to serve 
the society. I was amazed! 3 Police officers and a 
Mechanical Engineer also held me amazed at their social 
responsibility.


"I never had a problem writing in English in my 8th or 
9th,or for that matter I never had a problem speaking in 
English too! As a kid always wanted to be a doctor! And 
as the second question asked, Why? I did not know why, I 
always wanted to be.. May be because they can help 
everyone. That was the first time in the 9th I  filled in that answer.. And I was asked to go to a room where our 
career counsellers were supposed to be sitting.. As I 
walked through the corridors.. Gay with
the sunlight.. I always felt, that someday I would be a 
doctor and there will be people waiting for me in the lounge.. waiting for my help.. For a hand to save, inspired by life! That day all I remember was most of my other classmates filled in 'Software 
Engineers' 'Mechanical Engineers' and ofcourse 
'Sportsman', Many had different reasons, and some of 
them filled in 'To serve the people'"


As they filled in the forms, One thing I observed.. They all 
had trouble with English, spellings and words, But they did 
not want to write in Telugu. They wanted to fill it up in 
English. They were determined to do that and they made me 
spell each and every word of the four questions that form 
had! I explained them of what all career options they had 
other than what they opted for and also how to reach there! 


They were mischievous, but were keen on knowing, intent 
on heeding! All the scholarship programs available, And also 
a toll free number launched for the guidance program. At 
the end of the workshop, as we bid farewell to them, I don’t 
know if I ll met these kids again, a kid (who wants to be a doctor)came to me, and 
asked me.. 'Di, Who are
you? A doctor? Did you also fill these forms in your 8th 
class?'
I smiled. I did not answer! I did not want to! May be of the 
guilt that I cheated on my own dreams!


Or may be.. I did not want the kid to know that a failure 
guided him on his career plans! Whatever that has happened 
to me.. I am a happy person now. I have been that person for long.. But that question, I could not just answer, 
fondling the kids hair.. I just said 'Study well.. One day you 
should be a doctor.. I ll come
to you for the treatment!' He smiled, wide 'Yes Di.. One day 
after I become a doctor.. I ll call this toll free number and I 
ll ask them to inform you that I achieved
it!' Given to merry frolicking of his fellow mates.. He left 
home..!

When we all sat jotting down the logistics of the day and observation on the statistics..
'More than 90% of them wanted to be police! And serve the society'
'More than 30% of them wanted to be Doctos, also to serve people'
5 years back.. I don’t know how many answered 'To serve the society..' But I bet its fewer.. much much less than 90% way less than that. I forgot to mention.. I went to one of the finest schools in town.. 'It
was private' I know why I did not want to be a doctor. Fear. Selfish, I put myself before the society. There may be many reasons why I am not a doctor now. The point is,I couldnot catch up with what I dreamt as a kid! I might be a happy person today. But I am not the person what I always wanted to be!
I never had to walk,bare foot, 2 miles to get to school.
I never faced problems buying books.
I never sat in a class room that did not have a fan.
I never had problem writing or speaking in English.
I never worked for others after the school hours.
I never wore ragged clothes.
I never slept hungry.
My life was set.. to a certain standard of living. I was a happy child. I did not know that the other side of the coin even existed! None of my classmates ever had those efforts to be made. We were born and brought up happy.. May be that is the reason.. We could not see beyond a Happy ending.. A happy person with lots of money. May be that is why We could not fill the 'Why' column. May be that is why I am not a person whom I dreamt of being! I am this now! And I cant go back to chose the other road! Yet again, My life was set.
7:30 pm: Back to my room.
9:30 pm: Started drafting a blog post.
And now I type this:
"I don’t like saying ‘the poor' or the 'needy' there aren't any. They are not poor. They are the dream catchers. Lancer! Its time we stopped feeling happy about our set lives.. What I could not do, I want the others to achieve. Who are more willed upon achieving it! You are already the person whom you dreamt of being? Then why don’t you be the first stepping stone to the others who are striving hard to catch up!?"
It was the same, I was still the same person.. But that day.. When I went to bed.. I was happier..
Happier than I have ever been..
5th September 2010,
2:17am : A water bottle.. Dark room.. Earphones on.. Some random song..
2:19am: Fireflies! :)
It is just that they looked more beautiful to me! :)

I was a happy person.. Now I am happier! :)

Now, that I shared my dreams.. :) Just because I realized, Its never too late.. And nothing is set! I thanked all my teachers before sleep hunkered down.. Atleast,I am a happy person. And I could make atleast one kid 'Dream big!'